A Wookie, a Crazy Person, and BF

So nigh on a month and a half has passed since my last update and again, I apologize for that, but there truly has been nothing new to report.

...that is until last Wednesday when I received an email on my phone talking about some people in Georgia finding a supposed bf carcass in the woods. Now as you can imagine, I was pretty excited about this.

The email I got was from the creator and administrator of the MABRC...and they seemed ready to jump on this bandwagon...telling us that we had permission to talk to television reporters (awesome) about any bf info we had...and that a press conference would be held on friday with dna results being released

now the first thing i did was look at the pictures...at first it looked like Chewbacca in an ice chest...which immediately made me doubt everything because Chewbacca, though an awesome character in Star Wars and one of my personal heroes, should have no genetic link to bf...either that or George Lucas was dead on with his portrayal of otherworldly bf's...(Lucas's next movie is titled "The Chewie and BF Wars" released straight to dvd and ends with a giant space battle)

so i am rather unimpressed by the pictures...here are the main reasons why:

1.)The bf looked waaaaaay to much like a costume filled with sand

2.) The pictures were blurry...like overly blurry for an age where a 10mp digital camera can be picked up at Dollar General for less than a pack of gum

3.) There were no beer cans in any of the pictures...or cigarette butts...or mullets. Everyone knows that a legitimate bf sighting must have at least one, if not all.

4.) Bf is not real.

5.) Seriously...not real.

So in the days that followed the email, i was bombarded with emails from friends who happen to know the fascination i have with bf and bf people...all of them equally excited to see what was going to happen and how i would react...(it was almost time to use the safe word "Mulletude" that is only to be used if i get in too deep)...i had to say, "Yes, I have seen that.", "I am waiting on the dna results.", and "Mom, let me go back to sleep...it's 3:00 a.m."

i emailed the bfg i work with to see if he had looked at the pictures yet and his response was this "Yes, if its real its going to change the world. I really think its some kind of hoax, just the way they have hyped it up, etc. The picture looks real familiar to me from the past. But I hope its real. This could be world shaking."

now, allow me an aside for just a moment...

Examples of World Shaking Events:

Curing Cancer with a pill

An AIDS vaccine

Solving World Hunger

Transformers 2 (Megan Fox...awesome)

Examples of Events That Will Not Shake the World:

An Aerosmith farewell tour

Me Tying My Shoes

Bigfoot being discovered

The biggest thing about bf being discovered would be the fact that i would need a roll of paper towels to wipe the egg off my face...other than that...pretty much like the world had discovered a new species of butterfly they thought was extinct...

back to the story,
i was pretty pleased with his reaction...he came by my desk and we bs'd a bit about the pics and a few other things...he had a general overall optimism about the whole situation...he wanted to believe so badly that it was real...that bf would crap a cure for cancer when they catch a live one...and i saw that longing in his eyes and his smile while he was talking...and i HAD TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE!...it took all my concentration not to start laughing...i am still trying to recover from it...

so i was scheduled to be off work on the friday that the press conference was to be held about the bf dna samples...so i kept checking my phone for updates on the bf situation...and i kept receiving texts from friends wanting an update...and i had to keep telling them that the results would not be released till later...and i got frustrated...

so that evening...i googled bf dna results...and a hit came back from the discovery channel...so i read it...and i sighed...the bf was fake...the two samples that were received were human and opossum...the guys making the claim were just trying to get publicity for their website...so the rednecks had not failed me...they must have hidden their mullets with hats...held their Kool's behind their backs...and concealed their beer cans with a well placed boot...my faith had not been shaken...(it might have been gently vibrated though)...

when i got back to work on monday, i emailed the bfg to see if anything else had come out about the body...and his response was "Nothing yet. Sure seems to be a hoax. This should finish Biscardi for sure. His credibility is shot now."

i wonder what requirements must be met to be held as a credible source for crazy people...

i'm sure the interview would go something like this:

Crazy person (cp): "Are you an orange?"

Source (s): "Only if I concentrate hard enough."

cp: "Do you want to kill me?"

s: "I'll only kill aliens from Alpha Centauri who hold the Gem of Power. You are clearly from one of the lesser moons of Jupiter and, therefore no threat to me."

cp: "asdfasdkljtamdncval;dfha;slkdftnal;skdtjsdfio;jaskldnfma;tl/kasdu;djf"

s: "Yes."


so in conclusion...the world is still full of crazy people willing to believe anything...and there is always someone who is selling them something...btw i have a bridge in brooklyn that is looking for a new owner...

From Here On Out...

So the updates on this blog are going to be sporadic and slow...as most of my time is, unfortunately, not spent looking for BF (i don't have a girlfriend, so really i don't have a valid excuse as to why i don't spend more time looking for blurry and hairy creatures that terrorize people with an affinity to Lost Lake and Newport Menthols)...so this is the only update i could come up with at this time...

*Sighting*
Yes, yes...there has been a sighting in my neck of the woods...and yes, yes...as a Junior Field Researcher (JFC) i might be making a trek to the backwoods of Oklahoma with nothing to protect me from...well...the people i am going with...not to say that i am nervous spending time with crazy people and consipiracy theorists...just afraid that the more time i spend with them, the more likely i am to wind up in a ditch because they have found out my true feelings about BF...

here is the report on the sighting...

Local Woman Sees Bigfoot, Almost Drops Cigarette

Questions

1.) Is BF tired of trailer trash? (I know I am)

2.) Was BF merely drunk and trying to hit on the trailer? (Again...I know I was)

3.) Did BF mistake the small dog for Paris Hilton? (Seriously, you take a rat terrier and put it in a pink dress, 80% of America would not know the difference...


So with that out of the way...let me know what you think of the progress so far...and let me know if you have any ideas for anything...i am totally open to suggestion and running out of ideas

The Beginning Ends

Now a few days have gone by at this point…and me being the generally busy guy that I am, took my sweet time going to the MABRC website…but when I did…I found out that there is one thing even more exciting than crazy people in person…and that is crazy people with a computer, internet access, and apparently way too much time on their hands...

i browsed around for a while…and found the application for membership within the MABRC…it was a rather in depth and long essay style application with lots of interesting questions like "Do you think bigfoot is a real flesh and blood creature?" and "Do you think bigfoot has any special powers or abiliites?"…now my mind was just awash with ideas for filling out the form…but the one thing that I had to do was try to pull off a convincing cover...

I've heard it said in a television show about secret agents that stakeouts are 80% of the job…and that a convincing cover is the other 20%...so my goal was to watch and learn…and hopefully become a full fledged member of the MABRC…however…the comedic side of me wanted to make my application so ridiculous that they would know that I wasn't being true to the cause…I wanted to say that Bigfoot was especially gifted at Physics and Mathematics…and that Bigfoot could control the weather patterns…and that Bigfoot was crucified, dead, and buried. On the third day he arose from the dead and ascended to heaven where he sits at the right hand of Nessie, the Loch Ness Almighty…so I waited...

I decided to fill out the application as straight forward as possible…no crazy stuff…and within 2 days received a phone call requesting an interview…I was nervous and a thousand questions were racing through my brain…how good were these crazies at determining if I was one of them?…how often do they do these kinds of interviews and turn people down?...what if I was rejected from membership in the MABRC?...how would I live with myself?...as you can see…I had built it up in my head…I emailed the moderator and founder of the MABRC and let him know the best times to call me for an interview…and I waited…

and waited…and waited…3 weeks went by and I was absolutely positve I had been found out and that they had rejected my membership based on the fact that I had laughed out loud during Bigfootville (my favorite bf documentary that airs on the Travel Channel every now and again)…I knew it was over…I was beginning to give up hope…when all of a sudden…on July 3rd…there was a flashing red light on my phone…an email had come in…and I read it…apparently, they must either be too scared to interview or are in such a need for members that they'll accept anyone that applies…the message said that I had been accepted as a Junior Field Researcher in the MABRC…and that all I had to do was email them a reply and let them know if I wanted the position…I accepted and my life changed forever…

The Beginning of the Beginning

So I have loved Bigfoot ever since I can remember…not so much the idea of a large hairy creature that stalks the countrysides in rural America torturing livestock and druken hillbillies…but more the idea that the people who have claimed to see him will get on television and swear to the exsistence of a mythical creature with all the faith that the Pope has in Catholocism…I love Bigfoot for the same reason I love the show Cops…it is a chance to see very real people saying very ridiculous things and believing them with all of their hearts…and there seems to be a high occurrence of mullets in both Bigfoot sightings and episodes of Cops…

now my desk set up at work is pretty bare…I am a guy after all…but one of my prize possessions is a Bigfoot action figure with Real(!) Footprint Action…it has stamps on the bottom of the feet and it came with a stamp pad so you can make it look like a little bitty Bigfoot (Li'l Bigfoot is his rapping name) has walked all over your paperwork…

So my first week out of training, I was sitting at my desk getting used to working real cases in real time…I've been there about 3 or 4 days at this time…I don't really know too many people on the floor yet…keep quiet and to myself for the most part…
I had a feeling that someone was staring at me…when I turn around and take off my headphones, I see someone that I have never seen before staring at me…smiling…making me feel very uncomfortable…when he says to me, "I like your Bigfoot statue."

We start talking and our dialogue goes something like this:
Bigfoot Guy (bfg): Do you ever watch Monster Quest?

Me: Yeah *thinking--'What in the world is Monster Quest?'*

Bfg: I've gotten to meet the host. You know there's a Bigfoot convention in Honobia in October.

Me:*my eyes widen* Really?

Bfg: Yeah. You should think about going. You should also check out the MABRC website. *he said the name of the organization, but i am not going to disclose it for my sake and possibly bf's*

Me: I'll do that.

Bfg: I've been on a few expeditions myself.

Me:*straight faced as I can possibly be* Have you ever seen one?

At this point, he tells me the same thing I have ever heard from people that believe in Bigfoot

Bfg:Well…I haven't, but I know some people that have and they would have no reason to lie to me.

Me: Right on. *secretly doing the fist pump in the air and thinking 'We have a live one!'*

Now I realize that to most people this just seems like pure and utter absurdity, but I love the absurd.

Shortly after the end of our conversation, bfg sent me an email with info about the MABRC that stated if I wanted to become a member, to let him know and he would recommend me for membership…I was estatic…You know that feeling you get when you first start dating someone…and no matter what they do or when they do it you just feel on top of the world?...it was like that only better…like finding a $20 bill in your coat pocket…I couldn't stay seated…I had to get up and walk around…I had to tell someone…but I had to do it without looking like a crazy person…I was in heaven…